Over the Top Tour August 2008 – (WW1 Battlefields)

We have decided to do a small blog on the tour, as so many things happen it’s worth putting them down on paper – well electronically anyway J

So the Guys involved were all eager to leave nice and early some staying up all night with the butterflies buzzing it was time for another Tour – “Hurray”, whilst some of the Chosen few were dreaming of the Roads the Weather the food and Vino………. Poor old “Auto-route” was on Night duty Yukkkkkk! He tell’s me he stays up all night watching over the holiday makers passing through the airport and making sure the runways stay clear ….. Well I reckon he walks around kicks a few airplane tyres chases a few bunny’s off the runway reminiscent of water ship down, Oh and plays a bit of chicken with the aircraft, careful Gt you’ll end up like Flat Eric! But in reality he then settles down in his Parker knoll recliner for the night… ha..ha..ha struck a few nerves..

All around the country the alarm clocks ting into life and Tour begins – Just as well, I was up at 5 am as I get an unexpected phone call shattering the Robinson household – “Robbo Robbo I’m not coming.. you’d better….Better… go without me, then silence……….I could sense the despair in his somewhat squeaky voice and on the verge of wiping floods of tears away….. “Duracell’s” trusty steed has given up the Ghost, having just been serviced… well some silly mechanic, once Duracell has collected it from the Garage has only followed him home burgled his house, past the guard dogs, found his bike keys opened the numerous padlocks and time activated vault where the Sacred Soft tail is housed…. and only gone and switched it’s lights on, but fairplay to the mechanic he locked the vault set the timer, pushed all the steel bars in place, locked all the padlocks and switched the pressure sensors on, re-burgled the house placed the keys in the box under the stairs and dodged the dogs again and left the house without a murmur.

Anyway, I managed to get to him just in time to hand him a handkerchief the tears were rolling down his chubby little cheeks, but this was due to him waking his neighbours up and getting them to bump start the Lancaster into life…… waking up half of Bedfordshire in the process. So we finally hit the road No Pun Intended Rob or Grant as these will be discussed later on.

Being followed by the Harley is slightly intimidating as you think you are about to be Stukered from out of the Sun, down to South Mimm’s to meet some of the other Crew…. Bleary eyed “Auto-route” arrived on time as did “Maverick” with the helmet sign written for the new tour, he looked like the cat that just got the cream- then we find out he has come from his girlfriends…. Got I hate single blokes L, also there was “Hamstring Jones” who has in the past attempted to bench press a fully laden BMW R1200RT with one leg, whilst crooning on the Karaoke machine like Bing Crosby.

Oh and Guess what…………….. Yes the Harley wouldn’t start…….. That bloody mechanic had followed Duracell to South Mimm’s and turned his lights on again J Hamstring / Maverick & Auto route to the rescue, off we go M25 east bound towards the next and final meeting point at Medway Services, arriving in good time, as we follow “Taliban Stu on his new GS & 33BHP On his Red Bullet” onto the services, within minutes the rest of the crew arrive for a Breckie – Pc Winnie, The Bird Tamer & The Voyeur followed By Hatty & Little Chris on the new RT, finally arriving on the second of the Lancaster Bomber Soft tails Monster Monster.

We all decide to fill the bikes up, and POP goes the weasel – Duracell’s Harley finally decided’s to bite the mouth the feeds him and temporarily tells Duracell to F@&* OFF, after many frantic calls to the HOG people, we manage to secure a mechanic to come out and assess the bike………Hope to Christ it’s not the same one that left his light’s on J. Some deep discussion and the everybody departs for the Train whilst Duracell has to go to Rochester Harley to have the bike sorted.

The main group head down to Ashford and the train with the wind in Hatties hair and arrangements are made for me to wait the other side – (That’s the Channel) in order to escort Duracell into the accommodation at Douai. Once in Calais the weather is pretty good clear bright sunny skies, Pc Winnie Needs a Fag and wee, where have I heard that before.. Oh and food!!.... “Not this French Muck I want a cooked breckie” …. Erm But we are in France Ha..ha..ha 

Auto-Route takes several of the crew to the accommodation whilst Maverick / Monster Monster & The Voyeur want to stay and escort their fallen comrade to the Accommodation, By the time Duracell arrived at Calais some several hundred Pounds lighter thanks to Harley Davidson, somebody had ordered the Crappiest, shittiest weather, it would have been far easier to have a car travelling in front with a bleeding hose pipe trained on each of us….. Thanks Duracell, I then get a phone call from Auto-route saying the guys have arrived ok and weather is ok just started to cloud over – Owwww I could have crushed a grape !

Not content with the shittiest weather ever, Old Monster Monster goes and does a skid test on the soft tail testing the 6 Pot Billet purchased from Full bore in Watford on the recommendation of Roger the Dodger…… NICEEEEEEEEE needless to say Monster Monster, wanting of course to get the most from this experience tried to run parallel to the bike on his knees, whilst filming the test for Roger in Watford. . . .  That’s why you didn’t wear the arseless chaps J… as I understand it the full test and results will be published in the Arseless wearing soft tail 6 pot billet riders Magazine. Has anybody told Monster Monster there was No film in the 8mm

So we all arrived at the accommodation only 6 hours late but we all made it, sporting the obligatory died black hands, crinkled fingers & soggy pants, The boys had even drunk the local bar dry before we arrived, so we crashed… sorry Monster Monster the local establishment and had food and oodles of Vino and Beer and pernod and then the fun began with Bing Crosby aka Hamstring Jones and Frank Sinatra aka Auto-route, even Sammy Davis Junior made an appearance in the guise of Maverick, and last but by no means least, Val Doonican aka Duracell. A great first night was had by all, more some than others as in the morning we had heard that The Voyeur was going to Marseille to Join the Foreign Legion, and having a tattoo and also having his portrait done in the nude on the square whilst Alka-Seltzer was administered….. Hummmmm….. Hamstring Jones was being signed locally to appear in a 2 weeks show of Bing Crosby is alive in Douai & Monster Monster is a world renowned bike and skid tester for Harley Davidson.

Day One was Over

Day two is a mixture of Bears emerging from a winters hibernation with mouths like Ghandi’s flip flop and excitement of the routes to come, a rather sparse breakfast, before we head out and both The Voyeur and Hamstring Jones are looking like they didn’t get much sleep, perhaps that’s something to do with rolling in at 3 am or was it just The Voyeur cuddling Hamstring and him having to keep an eye open …….Hum will let you ponder on that thought.

We manage to locate several Military Cemeteries, which I have to say the French do them proud they are immaculate, whilst at one of these outside of Devills wood, I manage to blag a go on Duracell’s Soft tail, well initially its like sitting astride an American fridge freezer, well it is American bigger, wider etc etc, you get the idea, but incredible low to the ground which is great if you are vertically challenged, the seating position is unusual to say the least when you first sit on a Harley, then I fired the beast into action, which is similar to turning a propeller on an old sopwith camel….. before it catches and shakes like a 9 on the Richter scale, Holy Crap what am I doing, before I know it, I was off now I know how john serttee’s felt racing an MV Agusta, the noise is quite incredible as Duracell has screaming eagles on the bike the whole inter action is an amazing experience, felt like I was riding route 66, but then it came to braking ………. SHIT out went the parachute followed by the anchor followed by the feet, they have NO brakes. I arrived back at the group and as I clambered off the fridge freezer I couldn’t stop the tingling in my feet and hands I also noticed I had lost 2 fillings and my glass eye was missing I felt like one of Gene Rodenberry’s puppets from Captain Scarlett. How does Duracell & Monster Monster do it?

We then arrived at Devill’s wood, this time it was Auto-route’s bike Big Silve to give up the ghost; funnily enough it was the same mechanic that kept turning Duracell’s lights on that fitted Auto-routes alarm…. Only joking….. Auto-route did contact his recovery just in case, who were about as useful as a chocolate fireguard, well we started a new game, pull the fuse push the fuse wiggle the wire take the fairing off and the seats and the tank and belly pan to find it was a fuse………. Oh well character building or in Auto-routes case destroying………..You big bleeding Jessie J  Hamstring Jones was looking a bit dodgy after the night on the tiles crooning for the locals in Douai.

We arrive at Tommy’s Café for a well deserved Ham egg and chips – Typical Brits abroad……………. Go on my son that French Cuisine J…. Old Hamstring Jones is looking decidedly Green around the Gills, and decides retreat is the better part of valour, so he travels back to the accommodation for a good long sleep and a bit of piece and quiet, or had the The Voyeur whispered sweet nothings in his ear L…..the remainder head off to Thiepval the site of the Anglo French / British memorial, amazing Place in fact Taliban Stu remembered serving here in 1916 in the “Herumph-a-housen Beer-weirst Tank Brigade, the German elite beer swilling sausage eating Tankies and we are sure we manage to get a picture of him in the tank in 1916. In fact we kept seeing blokes very similar to Taliban Stu…. hummmmm

We eventually left Thiepval and to the Lochnage Crater which was an amazing place to witness whilst walking round I spotted Maverick sat on his bike texting his love one, he is so fast on the phone we have to carry a fire extinguisher to put his phone or fingers out, which ever catches fire first………Arghhhhhhhhh bless him. Back to the accommodation for food and Vino.

We managed to go back to same eatery which provided pretty good value, and a good atmosphere, yet again Duracell along with Auto-route and Hatty gave renditions of screeching cats, the songs were played at 45 speed and the singing at 33 you get the idea. Another superb day and night was had by all.

Day 2 is now History

So having all had a Good continental breakfast copious amounts of coffee we finally set off to pay respects to my Great grandad who was killed on 14 July 1916 at Ramskapelle which is about 55 miles north west of Yrpes. I had Taliban Stu on the Back this time, thought the German General could give me some tips and hints, but all I kept hearing was ACHTUNG ACHTUNG - load - aim – FIRE, plus he had his towel under his arm, NO we won’t be going near a pool. The roads from France to Belgium were a real shock to everybody going from good ‘A’ class roads to what appeared to be a building site access road, but its different, Hamstring Jones true to his name yet again attempted the RT bench press, but I think on this occasion the 3 French judges gave him a red flag NO LIFT….(Thought we missed that one BillJ). The roads became worse infact sure they were sheets of cardboard on grass, Then the dreaded radio message.. Hatty & Little Chris thought they were in the Land Rover and wanted to go Grass tracking, quiet surreal apparently as the RT was left on its side with a dozen or so Belgium cows stood at the fence holding boards like at the Olympics – Hatty managed an average of 8.5 for the pirouette, Little Chris managed an average of 8.9 for the double pike and dismount. It seemed it was going to be Hatties turn to have the beamer being awkward, spitting the occasional pint of oil or two at them. But the guys soldiered on with Hatty feeling hacked off to say the least as the beamer had only covered 800miles, Little Chris rubbing his hands …. The cogs were whirring….. Did you say don’t tell Mum ….. Hum…. New Laptop / TV/ Trainers/ Mobile………… Leave it to me I will tell your Mum………. Oh Bollocks!

Managed to locate the Military Cemetery in Nieuwpoort and paid my respects Thanks to the rest of the team for accompanying me to the cemetery Lunch was at Nieuwpoort, which was a lovely, sat out in the sun, Taliban Stu topping up his tan, Both Auto-route & myself were worried, would he be allowed back into the UK, Also managed to secure several Pictures of the shy member of the Crew Little Chris, much to his disgust, Hatty was a little more chilled about his spill although it was the roads fault, that bloody bend just saw him coming and tightened up, he he he we love him really…. Hence we got him a pressie later onJ.

Once away from Nieuwpoort it was off towards Yrpes to sample the last post at the Menin gate, road started to deteriorate again Hatty this time threw his little brown teddy in a corner at a fuel station, huffing and puffing and he was going to blow the station down, but the 3 little pigs Maverick / Duracell / Myself, weren’t worried, so Auto-route got the poly filler out and smoothed over the cracks and off we toddled into Yrpes. The group had a brew and then we split up to get some additional presents for the group, in preparation of the Kangaroo Court, we managed to source what we needed for the court and went to the Menin gate for the ceremony at 8pm, which is done every night – well it was truly moving, the 4 fire-fighters were faultless with the last post and the old soldiers displaying the rows of gleaming medals stood to attention for the 20 minute ceremony under the arch. Brilliant the only problem is I forgot to turn my mobile off and a message came through…..Typical when you could hear a pin drop. “IN COMING WHOOOSSHHHHH” went my mobile… all the old boys hit the deck looking for cover…(No Not really – probably too shell shocked to hear anyway)… all the same.. Bugger if the ground could open and swallow me up, well thing is, to get me in; it would also involve several people around me J what a Numpty.

Back off to the accommodation several presentations saw Maverick pick up his well deserved Tour rider, Hatty received a big milk bottle with a dummy on top, Little Chris Hatties wing man received his Co-pilots cap, Taliban Stu received a T shirt – Hope I am still riding as well, when I am his age J, a Duracell Battery for Duracell to help with the starting of that friggin Harley, some powders similar to Alka-Seltzer for The Voyeur  - (Another story – don’t ask!!!) and the Booby Medal went to Monster Monster and so onto the dreaded Kangaroo Court which saw Taliban Stu / Hamstring Jones / PC Winnie as the magistrates.  Witnesses were The Voyeur / Duracell & Roger who flew in from Full Bore at Watford … The defendant was – Monster Monster, what great fun, everything was taken how it was meant in goof humour, what a brilliant bunch of guys – we all had food and wine and sang our hearts out much to the locals delight….. But stressing for us not to give up our day time jobs…. Well Hamstring Jones is sorted he still had 10 days of a 2 week singing tour to complete in Douai.

Day 3 Faded away

The final day saw us head back to the train port in Calais, most of which was on the motorway as Hatties RT was still a poorly girl, but even more drama once at the Train port apparently Auto-route had agreed to fill in for Hamstring Jones crooning in Douai and so wasn’t allowed to return to Blighty, eventually they saw sense once they had heard him singing in the customs area in the style of the club singer and put him on the next train.

Another Tour Over with plenty of incidents. With a brilliant crew and both Auto-route and myself thank each and everyone of you for great tour